This article, by J. Stainthorp Berggren, was posted to the IVAW website July 23, 2009
This past week I was talking to one of our brothers and the question came up about what we are up against, and it really made me think.
Like it made sense for IVAW, to recognize that we are up against a lot - the mainstream media, a lot of money, some corporate interests, legislators, policy, administrations, the pervasive promotion of US status quo...
But it also made me stop and think about what we're all up against personally, just by being out and open about being against what's going on. I remember a few years back some students at the college I went to and worked at had an event I came across inviting people to come up to DC for a march around the Capitol. Again there was one on the Pentagon. I went both times - first in January and then in March - and it took me about a month or two to finally tell my mom....and I'm a momma's boy. So we went to lunch and I explained what I had been learning about and going to these protests and being against these wars. I felt this huge weight coming off because it seemed like she was listening. When I finished talking she asked me when I was going to seminary school. I smiled awkwardly and felt nothing I had said either made sense or mattered. If I couldn't be understood by my parents who would understand, you know? Like why the fuck did I need to be a priest to feel this way.
It took a few years for me to realize not going to Iraq had nothing to do with my own decisions. I tried to go, the unit was split up, and the rest is history. But it really wasn't history and isn't over, because I am still learning to work through some guilt and anger from this situation. It took me until just this past year to realize subconsciously I had connected my self worth to a war, and how destructive that was and is. On top of that most of those feelings just stayed bottled up inside.
So my parents to some degree. And then my own issues with guilt, and subsequent anger, depression, and anxiety. I'm up against that.
When the part of my unit was in Iraq and I was stateside I used to have nightmares. One night I was dreaming of going to bed in the middle of the damn desert and we had an air strike overhead. So I jumped up and started screaming at guys in my platoon and was getting them to cover. One guy wouldn't get up, he was just depressed and didn't care. I was screaming at him and ended up pulling him up and running with him. At that point my screaming woke me up and I found myself awake having jumped out of my bed and screaming at the top of my lungs. When my unit got back one of the guys told me about this night with an airstrike and how this guy in my squad just stayed in his rack and didn't care what happened, he was just sick of being there. The same shit I was having nightmares about had happened, and when I asked and asked about when this was it was right around the time I had that specific dream. That shit didn't help with my guilt or feeling worthless.
So I'm up against false memories and no sleep.
At the point I started identifying as being against the war I was working at a school down in Georgia. In a department with the mission of developing ethical leaders in college. As I became involved and aware I began to challenge some blanket ignorant statements. One assistant director even told me once I was too idealistic. That's funny, because now I've been told that at two jobs in a row. Working in institutions claiming to promote educational experiences grounded in values I often find myself at odds with what people say, and even sometimes how people treat me because I served in the Marines. Things from higher ups like how Bush was great and Obama is not and sending me videos that are garbage. Things blasting the new president for minute actions but not questioning the war Bush started even though some polls indicated 70% of Americans didn't want to invade Iraq. It's hard for me to talk not only about being anti-war, but even being in IVAW. I feel like I might be punished in a real roundabout way. I've had predecessors that challenged simple things, and here I am challenging some folks basic assumptions about freedom, war, and constitutionality. It can be draining, so I'm up against that.
Up against joe blow civilian, members of organizations, and even educators that claim to be ethical.
I think when this question came up about what we are up against I hadn't thought about it this deeply for me. I knew it, you know, but maybe I hadn't named everything I was and am really up against. Sometimes a phone call or an email from another IVAW makes my day. That may sound sappy, does it sound that way? I don't know, maybe it should. Maybe that's like the feel good movie of the year or some shit. Just being able to connect with someone else can make all the difference when you are really up against some real shit.
A couple of months ago I got this email on my work email account with IVAW in the title...I was like "oh shit, some member found out and is going to rail on me for being unpatriotic, enabling terrorists, and on and on like always," but it wasn't. It was another marine that hadn't deployed. He said he found my work email online after going through some profiles on IVAW and that he was thankful I'd brought up some of the guilt I felt for not deploying, yet how the war still impacted me. He was not deployed and mentioned some struggles he dealt with. Many similar, and unless we speak up and speak out, some folks will just live and die alone.
He was up against that same guilt. Depression. Anxiety. Sometimes didn't even want to tell folks he'd been in the marines because the first question is almost always "well did you go to Iraq?" The great qualifier, right? Like even civilians know if you don't get orders you ain't shit. Up against them.
Up against status quo thinking and ignorant questions.
I'm glad though I thought about this, because it made me realize that I'm in this for the long haul. It's not some get money for college or see the world bullshit, the level of commitment is real, not a time slot. That honor isn't about a contract on paper, it's about a contract with yourself. That courage isn't always on the battlefield, sometimes it's just finally figuring out the fucking truth and living with it and moving forward.
In some sense we're up against the entire fucking power structure of the nation, and in broader terms we're up against money, and power, and a lot of resources. Sometimes that shit is easy to say we're fighting...not so easy when it's family. Coworkers. Friends. Self.
We're up against a lot, time to recognize that and start listening to each other.
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